I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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