Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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