you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you will always have a special place in my vag
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
