i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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