why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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