"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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