his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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