you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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