before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
