The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
