They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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