Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
