he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
