I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
