btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
