I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
