Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
