Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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