Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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