Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
