Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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