I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
