Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
