8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
