Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
