I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm getting married
To pizza
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
