He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
