you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just threw up on my dentist
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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