Your mouth is God's brothel.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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