Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
