At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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