You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Four minutes until I can fart!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
