Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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