do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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