4 words: hood of his car
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
