I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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