You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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