Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
