i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
