Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
