Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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