I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sarcasm needs its own font
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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