So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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