I looked at my own cervix.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
