Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
