You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
