Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
