Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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