It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
