OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
