I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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