ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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