We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
